2022 Reflection: Sinking or Walking?

2022 was a messy year for me. There were some shiny spots but overall, full of dust. The word ‘suffocate’ comes to mind as I reflect on this year. Constantly feeling as though I was drowning. My head was barely above the water. With every month, I sank lower. 

I have been ill so many times this year I cannot even count. From chickenpox to tonsillitis, to ear infections, more fevers, more days in bed. Countless prescriptions for antibiotics, steroids and more. Then hand foot and mouth disease and finally damaging my knee. I’ve experienced loss this year and had to adapt to so many changes and if you know me, I seriously struggle with change. I’ve had long periods of loneliness and felt isolated. My mental health has fully depleted.  When I say but if it were not for God and His mercy… I honestly feel like I shouldn’t have reached the end of the year. 

I referred to 2022 as my Job year. The Bible recounts the life of Job. It tells us that Job was struck heavily by the devil. He faces death, loss, loneliness and illness back to back. He probably felt as though He was drowning too. He was confused as to why it was happening all of a sudden but He chose to trust God. God turned around and questioned Job reminding Him that He created all things. He is full of wisdom. All-knowing. All powerful. A provider. (Job 38-40). Funnily enough, every time I was ready to ask God why, I’d hear the same words. I felt like God was trying to show me the same. Yet problems would arise again and anxiety only grew greater. 

Then through listening to a podcast, I was reminded of the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14 vs 22-33). This is where the message begins…

"Worry and fear are first cousins. They vary in intensity but are both forms of the same emotion. Different people fear different things with different levels of intensity, but all of us fear what we cannot control. Fear is our response to uncertainty about our resources in the face of danger when we are assaulted by a force that overwhelms us and compels us to face that we are helpless and out of control. Fear is provoked when the threat of dnger - physical or relational exposes our inability to preserve what we most deeply cherish. "

It was a random Monday morning and I was feeling lost and confused so I made the decision to fast to get closer to God and hear a word. It’s funny because I wanted God to give me direction in terms of finding a new job. The day didn’t end with me knowing exactly what job I wanted, but it ended with me understanding that I have absolutely no control over life. That there are still lessons to learn but because I’m so focused on self, trying o fill my pain in other means (mainly emotional eating) and trying to get through life without God that  I’m stagnant. Forget stagnant, I’m drowning. That same day I heard the story of Peter. 

In Matthew 14:22 we are told that Jesus told the disciples to get into a ship and travel before Him to the other side of the sea. In verse 24, we then find out that a storm arises. The story goes on and the disciples see a figure walking on the water - they start to yell thinking it’s a Ghost and they were fearful. However, it was Jesus that had come to them. The first thing He said was “Be of good cheer, it is I; be not afraid.” (Matthew 14 vs 27). 

My first point is that Jesus is always near. In the fear, in the crooks of the storm. In 2023, I need to learn to put emotion aside and go based on what I know. Faith in action. It may be cloudy and bumpy and yes I still may feel scared or even alone but even whilst in the midst of things - faith has to preside over emotion. If I continue to give in to emotion, I will continue to sink. When put into practice this can look like:

1. Having verses for every fear you have. Or verses for times of uncertainty. Creating a scripture wall or a prayer wall using them. Memorising them BEFORE you’re in situations so that they can help through the storms. 
2. Comparing my thoughts and feelings with God’s word. In 2 Corinthian 10:5, we are told to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Are these feelings factual or do I need to give them to God? 
3. Speaking to people instead of bottling up. My favourite line is “I’m okay” when in fact I’m dead inside. Sometimes having another perspective can provide clarity. Help can come in the most surprising ways. 

Back to the story.

So the disciples have now seen Jesus. Peter said, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Peter was walking. Walking on water. His eyes were fixated on Jesus so the storm became insignificant as He walked towards Jesus. As soon as eyes shifted focus and He began to fixate on the storm, the winds and the waves - forgetting who controls them - Peter began to sink.  This takes me to my next point. It’s so easy for us to take our eyes off of Jesus and focus on our problems, instead of the person who can fix our problems, carry our burdens and give us peace. Instead, we look to other things to find comfort and escape. This may be food, a relationship, friendships, tv shows or movies, church positions, holidays, money and more. These tangible things become idols and may even lead us deeper into the murky waters. So how do we prevent this?

1. Make time each day to spend with God
2. Keep a journal so you can reflect on how life is going and see where God’s hand has been moving
3. Hold ourselves accountable. Analyse what our time and efforts go towards to and consciously make a plan to let it go - even if that means fasting for clarity or fasting from the very thing  holding you back

The main question I want you to ask yourself is do you find yourself walking or sinking?  As Peter was sinking, Jesus questioned “O thou of little faith, wherefore ddist thou doubt?” (Matthew 14 vs 31). As He was saying this, I love the imagery where it says “immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand and caught him.” The beautiful imagery that Jesus catches us everytime we begin to sink. 

As we step into 2023, I want this to be a year we rely on God more. The year we don’t let feelings take control. The year we grow spiritually and mentally. The year we learn to fight back in God’s strength so we’re not left feeling weak.