Behind The Filters
*swipe, swipe, swipe*
*tap, tap, tap*
*like, like, like*
*comment, comment, comment*
Social media – we can all agree it’s fun, useful, but when it gets to a certain level of consumption, it can be so unhealthy. I have reached the point of unhealthy.
In a time when we were free (I like to exaggerate), I didn’t use social media as much because I was busy with my degree, placement and my job. Now my responsibilities have reduced, I have more free time but even what I can do with that free time is restricted. Sure I go for walks, exercise and attempt to do assignments but what about the other hours of the day?
Scrolling through social media.
I was already insecure about how I looked but for the most part, I could deal and overcome it especially as I had other things to focus on. Now I go on and I’m flooded with images of all these girls. The other day on Twitter, I even saw a tweet about black London girls having a typical look. I looked at the girls they were referring to and I couldn’t help but get in my feelings because I am highly aware I don’t look like many of the other girls around me. I often wonder what people see when they look at me. I tend to make up their minds for them and just tell myself that the world thinks I’m ugly so why should I think any differently?
It’s funny because then I try and almost prove that I’m not and I can be just as ‘beautiful’ as the other girls. It’s false though because it’s not me – it’s the filters. I hide behind them. I think I overuse filters to the point that sometimes I look in the mirror and think “rah is this actually what I look like?” Many people use the word confident to describe me and I am just left so confused. From the crown of my head to the soles of my feet I stare in disgust and just criticise. I then get angry because as a child of God am I supposed to be insecure? I constantly remind myself that if I focus on Him, the insecurity will vanish but when social media is clogging my brain I freeze and just give in. The insecurity over my looks even then has the tendency to slip into other areas of my life. Sometimes it’s just comfortable to feel sorry for yourself isn’t it? I fall into the trap of self-pity, mixed with self-loathing and a dash of comparison. I tell myself I’ll always be alone because who would want to wake up and see my face? Is it possible to even love Tanesha? Do I deserve love? I tell myself I will never be as successful because I’m not the beautiful black sister that I think I should be.
It’s weird because growing up I’ve learnt to separate myself from many of my past traumas. I’ve learnt to reparent myself; I’ve learnt to set certain boundaries, I’ve learnt that with God, who I am (not including looks), is enough. I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company and be present. I love my laugh. I love the fact that I find enjoyment in so many simple things. I love my ability to be vulnerable. I love my ability to debate and discuss. I love my ability to get up and state my opinions and spread knowledge and awareness. I love so many different aspects of my personality yet for one reason or another, I can’t release the years of being told and trolled for being ‘ugly’.
I just still feel like that hideous teenager who just wants to escape her body.
Another thing I love about me is that I can pick up on these things and begin to develop plans to build and grow. I hate staying stagnant. Especially regarding personal development. In this life, we have to take accountability. I can’t blame social media for anything. Yes, it can be destructive but what am I allowing myself to take in? What am I choosing to believe? What content am I following? Interacting with? How am I choosing to see myself? What steps do I begin to take towards being comfortable in my own skin?
During this lock down, I’ve already taken so many “social media breaks”. I always come back refreshed. Maybe it’s time for another one because my mental health is really on the edge. That’s another filter I hide behind – the “I’m fine” response when I am really overwhelmed. Right now I just have to be honest with myself. Set new boundaries. Revise the old ones. Restrict my use of filters and learn to delight in myself because God has already told me I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, I just need to accept it because I’m sick and tired of staying in this rut.