'Cause I Slay

I really wanted to do this post as a video because it's a topic that has been on my mind since I can remember and I really have a lot to say but I'm still very camera shy - which fits into what I'm about to write perfectly...

In primary school my confidence was on '1 Hunna' (I write it like that for emphasis). I can honestly say I didn't care what people thought. I didn't care what I looked like. I just did my own thing. I was carefree and in bliss. Then I hit secondary school and I lost my sense of self. My views about who I was became severely distorted. What was most confusing, and is still confusing to this day, is that everyone was always claiming how they wanted to stand out and be different from the crowd. Joke was, everybody looked and acted the same. If you didn't look like everybody else you was made fun of. Unfortunately, I was on the side of people that were made fun of. Everyday it was something new;

"You're ugly"

"Sideways girl"

"Why's she wearing that"

I could go on but you get the gist.

I already felt different because of my medical conditions. I hated when it was pointed out. I hated being looked at. I just started to hate life. I wanted to fit in, I really did but I just couldn't and boy did that break my heart. Worst thing about it is without even knowing those things have left an imprint in my mind and have effected my behavioural patterns and the way I think. At my counselling session today it was brought to my attention that whilst I thought I had forgiven those people, and even myself, I still fully haven't moved on. My social anxiety is an everyday struggle. A person can just glance at me and my mind will go wild and begin to ponder what they thought of me. I literally hear people laughing and 9 times out of 10 I will think that they're laughing about me. I have become so paranoid. Especially since I reached university. My biggest battle has always been with myself and it's taken moving away from home to realise that.

Due to my self hate, for years and years I would look for happiness in others and depend on people around me to feel good about myself. Yet when I did receive compliments I could never accept them because I truly didn't believe it. I still to this day refuse to accept compliments. Someone will say something nice and I will counteract it with a negative viewpoint. I've really become a self critical person. It's like I have to insult myself before somebody gets a chance to. It really makes me sick to the pits of my stomach just thinking about it. I've really let people have a hold over me and that hold has been so strong that even when I thought I let go, I didn't.

Every year since secondary school my prayer at the start of the year is always

"Lord please help me find confidence"

. Yet by the end of the year I feel worse than ever. It's not that God hasn't given me a chance to prove myself; it's that I haven't taken those chances. Lately though, I look in the mirror sometimes and smile. Then just as quickly as that smile appears on my face, does it then vanish and I just feel vain and guilty. When this guilty feeling starts I begin to pick out everything I hate about myself. Literally from head to toe. Then I begin to look inwards and pick out things about my personality. I even think on bad things I've done in the past and the guilty feeling gets stronger and stronger. However, I really want that to change and I don't want to wait until 2018 to change it.

It's time for a re-evaluation. For both me, and for you. It's time to love ourselves again. Stop letting people and situations control us. If people to choose to walk out of our lives let them. If people choose to chat about us let them. It's time to start choosing for ourselves. Choosing what we want to do and where we want to go. Cut those strings. Forgive people because it's only going to eat you up. Forgive yourself. Those feelings of guilt, erase them. You've done nothing wrong. Get rid of toxic things and toxic people. Detox your mind and your soul. Recently, I went on a deleting spree. I deleted so many numbers from my contacts and other people from snapchat. I'm done giving irrelevant people the time of day.

With that being said we should also evaluate the way we communicate and treat others. Treat people how we want to be treated. I won't lie, I've said mean things in the past and I do regret them. It's never nice hurting somebody. Love your neighbour. Respect those around you. Help where you can help. Serve where you can serve. Be the best person you can be because that is the person that slays.  Personality always outshines the outward appearance.

So let us begin to fall in love with ourselves each and everyday. It's the little things that really add up. I've begun to watch what I eat and that makes me happy. Helping people out gives me a sense of satisfaction. Making goals for myself and being able to tick them off one by one is just the start. One day I hope to walk down the street without this constant inner battle going on and be the blissful child I used to be.