Connect the Dots

The idea of disassociating from oneself seems a tad strange right? I agree.

Yet, it's such a real thing and as of late I definitely experienced disassociation from myself and the world around me. I've known something has been wrong for a long time but I can't put my finger on it so I brush it out. It's gotten to the point where I've told so many people "I'm okay, I'm coping, I'm surviving" that I even fooled myself into thinking that way.

Until the other day...

I have so much work to do from university. I've almost reached the end of my postgraduate and I want to take it seriously but I feel so lost. I realised just how much I had disconnected from my emotions and my body when I literally broke down because I used the last of my energy to have a shower. Of course I wasn't upset about having a shower but I was (and still am) mentally exhausted. I still can't put my finger on it but the tears highlighted that something is wrong. I need to reconnect with myself and figure out solutions. Figure out emotions. Triggers. Feelings. My identity because I feel as though that's been lost too or maybe I'm just in my head. I'm always getting lost in there.

My biggest fear right now is talking to people or asking for help and them finding me too much of a person or overbearing.  I feel like that in general anyway, as though my personality is just annoying and overwhelming. When I talk to people it's almost as though everyone has adjusted to this whole Isolation thing but I feel like a 'negative nancy' for even saying it's made me so depressed. Which makes it even worse because then I will; 9 times out of 10, bottle up my emotions and "brave" it out. There are times I've reacted out of frustration or sadness and I haven't even realised until it was pointed out. That's how disconnected this whole situation has me feeling. I know there are underlying problems too but I just can't put my finger on anything. I feel like I'm in a time warp, a black hole just drifting whilst everything and everyone is running on past. I just crave a warm hug and a "it's going to be alright!". 

It's disgusting because I've written about being broken and taking steps to healing so many times and I'm beginning to get mad at myself for it. Mad at life. WHEN WILL I HEAL? WHEN IS MY TIME TO FEEL BETTER? I have days where I feel amazing then other days when I just want to scream. The restless nights. The anxious days. Is this the part of my story where I go completely insane? Where things around me begin to collapse even though I try my hardest to stay on top? When I lose friends and loved ones because they realise I am just a mess?

Is this post a cry for help? Probably. Maybe I'm just stressed and when my degree is over I can have peace. I hope so. That's what I keep telling myself.