Fading Scars

TRIGGER WARNING: the following includes mentions of self-harm and suicide

ATTENTION: I PROMISE this is not a negative post – more a reflective post with a happy ending

So another ending to another year has come.

FIRST THINGS FIRST – I just want to pause and thank God for allowing me to even taste the ending of another year. Many have been laid to rest as the only thing promised in this life is death. But God in all His glory with Hs grace and mercy allowed me and you to reach the penultimate day of 2019.

Now onto the secondary; the reflective aspect.

I keep a massive memory box with things from over the years including physical copies of albums I have, signatures I’ve collected from ‘famous’ people, pictures and so forth but amongst these I found several suicide notes and I felt ill but also confused as to why I still have them. These are YEARS old. When I was around 14 to 16 years old. I saw diary entries of me sleeping with a knife under my pillow. I saw different notes to myself of plans on how I would end it. I saw a note to my friends and family saying goodbye and I saw a poem detailing exactly how I was feeling.

For some reason I have reached 22 years old and have not disposed of these letters and so forth. I kept them safe. I cannot explain why…

I looked at the notes and then I looked at my arms and legs and began to trace my scars and I smiled. MY SCARS ARE FINALLY FADING! The last time I relapsed was around May/June of this year. Which for me is a hallelujah moment! In April I went through something severely traumatising that I still haven’t had the courage to speak out about it. Then following on from that I went through a lot emotionally to the point that I sometimes act as if I have no emotions. I can be very cautious when meeting new people and I love to be by myself. Honestly, if I had seen these letters in the midst of everything back then, I would have probably been able to relate on a deep level so it would have been immensely triggering.

Buuuuuuut…

I THANK GOD FOR HIS LOVE, I THANK GOD FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE HE PLACED IN MY LIFE, I THANK GOD FOR THE EMAPTHETIC DOCTOR I HAD AT THE TIME AND THE AMAZING THERAPIST I HAD TOO. BECAUSE THE POINT I AM AT NOW?

NOBODY ELSE BUT GOD!

These past few months have been about intense introspection. They’ve been distressing and unnerving but also a blessing and a ray of sunshine. I’ve learnt so much about myself by daily interactions with God and reading His word. Also just being honest with myself. I’ve seen progress and for once I feel at a slight peace. There was a point in time where I didn’t feel you could experience healing alongside progress and success but that is all a big fat lie because my healing is my success and journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in what everybody else has done and achieved this year and compare it to yourself.

I saw a quote on Instagram that said “I know we are in the yearly recap phase on social media and everyone is announcing their biggest wins, but please don’t compare yourself and your progress to others. If your biggest achievement was just staying alive, then that’s a win too” - @asafeplaceinsideyourhead

My biggest achievement was just that and if that was yours then we give thanks because that in itself is a powerful testimony. The fact that you are still standing, and you haven’t given up the fight. You survived your darkest days when everything seemed bleak. You pushed through the uncertainty of not knowing what the future held. You were able to crack a smile. Let out a laugh. Even just brushing your teeth for most days when it seemed like a major chore – YOU DONE IT!

For 2020, I just want to continue to growand continue to watch my external and internal scars fade. This is my prayer for all of you.

Isaiah 58:11 and Philippians 3:14 are my go-to verses when I need a reminder to continue on this path with God holding my hand all the way along.

Isaiah 58:11 says:

“And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.”

Philippians 3:14 says:

“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”.

Thank you for the support throughout this year. Just by reading my blogs. The feedback. The love. Sharing my content. You’re all wonderful and amazing.

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