Finding My Rhythm

It has actually been forever since I touched this blog.

Last time I posted I was on a journey. I still am on that journey. However, sometimes on journeys we get lost and fall off the grid...

I have most definitely fallen off the grid! This morning, I had a mental breakdown and it's been a while since I've had one of those.

I returned to complete my last year of university in September. It has actually been so lonely and draining. My mental state has deteriorated and I've constantly been in hospital and to the GP's office. Other events have taken place that have shaken me up and crushed me down. My relationship with God has consequently been impacted. I just feel so lost and honestly I cannot express it verbally so I thought why not do what I do best and vent through writing.

I've been dealing with a condition that has yet to be diagnosed but when the pain starts it's actually excruciating. I've been trying to heal from a breakup and that in itself is mentally draining. Sorting out what I want to do after university has left me bewildered and frustrated. Everyday is something new and then, on top of that having to actually go to uni and do my work?

I AM JUST EXHAUSTED

I literally just stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to think about anything. Social interactions are actually a struggle but I force them so I don't end up completely isolating myself. In all honesty I just want to vanish. I don't want to socialise. Don't want to do anything. I don't want to be here. I can't pinpoint why I'm feeling like this at all. I feel as if I should be stronger than this. Forcing myself to fight through. But I'm done fighting. I just wish it was all easy. I know it can never and will never be easy but that doesn't stop me wishing. I feel as if there's no one to turn to. No one I can be fully vulnerable with. I'm the one people come to with their problems and distresses and I love helping people, it's my favourite thing on earth. However, where's my helper please?

The verse of today is

Isaiah 30:15 (MEV):

15 For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:

In returning and rest you shall be saved;
    in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.
    Yet you were not willing

I chose this verse because when I saw it I honestly felt that God was trying to speak to me. The part where it says '

Yet you were not willing

' is the bit that really stands out. Ever so often I feel the Holy Spirit urging me and guiding me but I ignore it because it all seems hopeless but if I just let go and trust I know that somewhere I will find strength.

But alas- I am only human. I forget these things and do it all in my own strength. In all honesty my mental battery needs charging because I feel worthless and destroyed. I actually cannot even word my pain properly because I can't even understand it. I'm actually a massive ball of mess.

I just want to find my rhythm in this life.