For The Burnt Out Believer

So it's been a while since I've faced Tanesha's Chronicles. This period away has felt different from my other periods away. The others were more so inconsistency and a struggle to come up with ideas. This period has been a low period, a period of comparison, a period of sickness, a period of mental struggle but I've actually had so so so many ideas. Then my brain says the ideas aren't good enough so they just stay stored, or my brain struggles to go into function mode so I don't begin to create.

Then this thought said: why does it have to be a big fancy thing? Why can't we go back to the original Tanesha's Chronicles? The girl who shared her raw experiences on a blog in hopes that people could relate. So here I am; not with a spoken word, not with a sermon, but with my mind, my emotions and a keyboard.

So as I said, I have been struggling. Not sure if I've yet mentioned on this blog but I have ADHD, and with ADHD comes executive dysfunction.

Executive dysfunction is a symptom¹ that disrupts a person's ability to manage their own thoughts, emotions and actions. It affects key brain functions like working memory, cognitive flexibility and the ability to control impulses.  This is why it can make starting tasks, regulating emotions and following through feel genuinely difficult, not just a matter of trying harder. It's most commonly associated with ADHD, mood disorders and other neurodivergent conditions, but can also occur as a result of brain injury or degenerative brain disease. It is a neurological experience, not a character flaw.

For me, I think this has happened as a result of emotional burnout. From the families I work with and taking on their problems, being in hospital, dealing with illness, a family bereavement, and being sensitive to the pains of loved ones around me. Socialising has become forced. Sounds, noises and touch can be a lot to process. I shut down a whole lot quicker than usual.

My husband will often point out moments where I appear just frozen. Whether that be sat on the edge of the bed or just standing staring through a window. My mind will be at 100,000 mph but my body physically cannot do anything. I somehow manage to function at work, but I guess that's due to there being a routine and policies and procedures in place. My own life? I've probably just been masking and I'm getting to a point where I don't know if I can mask anymore.

Your girl is tired. Mentally and physically. My body is even telling me to take time, but I feel this compelling need to keep going, especially because my mind keeps racing. I feel trapped, stuck and frustrated.

I tell God, and I know He hears me  but sometimes my feelings try to whisper the opposite. Sometimes my head goes:why are you not changing it then? I've been a Christian for 28 years and counting. Basically my entire life; and yes, I still have these moments. In fact I feel like even the elders do. No shame! But what's changed? I now take these feelings to God instead of running completely. I'll be in the shower whisper-shouting like "what's going on", "can I just have a break" or "what am I even supposed to do."

You ever been through a breakup? Whether a friendship or a partner? Boyyyy, I be weeping like God broke up with meee. But He hasn't. There's no way. Whenever I step outside and feel the wind on my skin, or hear the birds chirping, or see how the clouds glide through the sky, I think  what an awesome God. And God comes down and He meets me. Not always how I would like. Sometimes with a soft reminder. This could be a verse, or a small snapshot of what He has done before.

I write because I don't even know who reads these anymore, but I just had to share. I write because I know I'm not the only one feeling bleh. I write to open up a space to just be honest with our emotions.I write to just remind myself; and you that hey bro, hey sis, this is a season. And there's some lessons and reminders for this season.

There are two things God has put into my brain over these past months. Ready?

The first was a story in Mark. I have this cosy chair in my room where I will often sit and have a mini scream. During one of those mini screams, something in my mind said: "I believe; help thou my unbelief."I was baffled like, I swear I know this story. So I went to Google and it pointed me to Mark 9.

Here's the story. Jesus had been up on the mountain with Peter, James and John (the transfiguration) and while He was gone, a man came to the remaining disciples with his son. The boy had a spirit that had tormented him since childhood, throwing him into fire and water, making him unable to speak, causing him to foam at the mouth and convulse. The father was desperate. He'd brought his son to the disciples and they couldn't do anything. They couldn't cast it out. And when Jesus comes down from the mountain and hears what's happened, He's grieved. He calls the generation faithless and asks for the boy to be brought to Him.

The father pleads with Jesus *"if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us."* And Jesus stops him like

"If you can? All things are possible to him who believes."

And here is where it gets me. Because this father doesn't fake it. He doesn't perform faith he doesn't have. He just cries out one of the most honest statements (or prayer if you will) in all of Scripture: "Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

Doubt and belief in the same breath. And Jesus heals the boy anyway.

Later the disciples ask Jesus privately  why couldn't they cast out the spirit. He tells them: that this kind comes out only by prayer and fasting. In other words there are some things that require a deeper level of connection and dependence on God. The disciples had been trying to operate on their own steam. There's a lesson in that alone.

But it was that father's prayer that wrecked me in the best way. It has now become my go to whenever I get those feelings of "God, why me brooo." Because I don't always have full faith. But I have enough to say I believe, but big guy I need your help I begggg!

Then, for the past two weeks, I just kept thinking about Isaiah 40:31.

Mind you, I haven't really had the strength to open my Bible these past weeks. I've been doing my talks with God  and if anybody was to observe, I'd seem mad. But when it comes to reading the book of life? I've felt so dead that opening it just seemed long. And yet still, a verse was implanted on my heart.

This verse is special because growing up, my dad wouldn't let us eat breakfast, lunch or dinner until we recited a memory verse. Even the guests had to do it. Isaiah 40:31 went triple platinum between me and my dad before mealtimes.

And this is the verse I've been clinging to, but I was clinging in the wrong way. When it says wait, I've just been chilling like: cool, God will do His thing when He's ready, imma just push on through. WRONGGGG.

We tend to fall into this trap of not putting in effort because we get comfortable. This can be in life, friendships, relationships of any kind. Funnily enough we can even get comfortable in our pain. You'll be there just thinking yeah, it'll get better meanwhile the fire is just getting hotter.

Being passive doesn't solve a thing. And Isaiah 40:31 actually emphasises that.

Here's where it gets good. Because God is funny. I hadn't picked up my Bible, but something said: go and read what the Hebrew word for "wait" actually means.

The Hebrew word used in Isaiah 40:31 is qāvâ (קָוָה). And the root of this word is a physical image. It means to twist, to braid, to bind together. Think of strands of cord being twisted under tension.

As a verb (which is how it's used in this verse) it intensifies. It means to actively, urgently bind yourself to something. To hold on under tension.

So Isaiah isn't telling  people to sit still and wait for God to sort it out. He's telling them to bind themselves to God. To hold on under strain the way twisted fibres hold under pressure until our strength is renewed, we out here running and soaring like eagles.

This isn't passive waiting. God wants us to be pro active not reactive.

Now  does that mean keep pushing through burnout? No. I'm learning that I actually may have to listen to my body sometimes and not be a stubborn babe. In all honest truth, I'm still figuring out what it fully means for me personally.

What I know is this: I like to be creative. I connect with God through that. Through sharing His word.

God wants us to dwell in His presence. Wants us to invite Him into ours. Giving our hearts over. Actually  as I write this, I think I'm starting to understand.

I won't front. I'm still really sad and my anxiety is on one hunna. Yet, the father in Mark didn't show up with perfect faith. He showed up with honest faith and that was enough. Isaiah isn't asking for perfection either. He's asking for participation. To bind yourself to God even when your hands are shaking. So maybe that's the question worth sitting with: not do I have enough faith but am I showing up? Am I binding myself to Him or just hoping He finds me where I've stayed comfortable and still?

Take this time to spend 3 minutes journalling how you can take active steps to turn around your waiting season? How can you behold God daily?

¹ Cleveland Clinic. Executive Dysfunction. my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23224-executive-dysfunction