God amidst my pain: Venting Sessions

Disclaimer

: This MAY be (a little) lengthy as I'm just writing from my heart & mind.

Honestly, I just needed to vent without response.

My mind has been so restless. Especially recently. Being back in London is not sitting well with my soul. I mean good things have happened and I've even received a blessing that I will forever treasure but this place just doesn't sit right with me anymore.

Losing friendships that I thought would never end just caused my downward spiral. The heartbreak of losing people you care about is actually inexplicable. If you know me, you know that when I love; I love deeply. When I care; I care a lot. When I trust, I put my whole heart into the bag. That's why it hurts so much being back here and seeing things and people and only being able to relive memories but not being able to create new ones.

I find it so hard to let go and that's what is even more painful. You could do me so dirty and still, if I see you hurting, I promise, I will be the first one at your side. I don't know if it's a weakness or not but that's just the way I am. I hate having bad blood with people it gets my anxiety raging and I can't even sleep at night.

I pray to God everyday for healing. To help me not to fret and fear because there is probably a reason for everything.

Where is God I ask? HE IS RIGHT HERE HOLDING ME. I actually feel his presence daily. Maybe He is allowing this to help enable me to feel Him. To trust Him for real instead of just with words.

Everyday I tell myself :

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD

The alpha and omega. The beginning and the end. The love of my life. My actual best friend. Although I've felt forsaken, He has actually never left my side. We even have moments of stillness together. I cry to Him. I tell Him all my doubts and my plans. I ask Him numerous questions. I sing praises unto Him. Sometimes I just call His name and sit in silence whilst He cradles me in His arms.

I actually believe that deeeeeeeeep down inside I am happy. In that deep place is where God resides because He is the source of my happiness. I know for a fact that one day I will heal and be able to absorb all the blessings He bestows upon me daily.

Where is God for you? He's right there next to you.