"Gracefully Broken" - Moments of Enlightenment #2

Your power at work in me
I'm broken gracefully
I'm strong when I am weak
I will be free...

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
I'm right here
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken - Tasha Cobbs Leonard x Gracefully Broken

I've done a post about being enlightened before but I believe that new lessons are learnt everyday. If you've read my last 'Let's Talk About It' post, this is a sort of sequel to that post. If you haven't yet read it please do before you proceed to reading this.

Pouring out my heart like that in my last post felt really good. Just reading how I felt in front of me really opened my eyes. I was able to be honest and real without anybodies opinions (well most people...). So, as most people have suggested I'm going to buy a journal and continue to just write out my thoughts.

This past week I've had three songs on repeat. Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Gracefully Broken. This first song literally is my life situation right now. I've come to realise I am Gracefully Broken. Before she even begins to sing she says some powerful words -

"God will break you to position you, Break you to promote you, And break you to put you in your right place".

As I've said before sometimes we go through situations thinking we will never come out of them but I believe God knows what he's doing, He keeps us in that place for a while to break us down so we become vulnerable. When we are vulnerable He can really begin to work on us and help us see sense. Over this past week, especially after I wrote that post I myself began to see sense. It has been such a painful process but I know in the long run it has been a vital one for my sanity and my salvation. We are still all progressing every day. Every small step counts. The part in the song that makes me cry (not just because of her amazing vocals) is when she says

I SURRENDER.

I've been so hesitant to just surrender my all to God but at this point, it's all I want to do. Be held in His arms whilst he carries me through all my toils and tribulations. It's what I need to do in order to protect my relationship with Him. Let the Holy Spirit just take over me.

Second song is my all time favourite, Kirk Franklin's song Hold Me Now. The whole song has literally just been my prayer this past week. Oftentimes we listen to songs just to listen. Never actually take in the words. I don't know if this makes sense but everytime I listened to it, it's as if it was screaming at me and the more I played it, the louder the screaming got. I'm actually going to post all the lyrics here just because the words are that deep -

The spring of April is gone
The leaves have all turned brown
The children have all grown up
And there's no one around
I'm looking over my life and all the mistakes I made
And I'm afraid
Afraid
Somebody told me that You would wash all my sins
And cleanse me from the scars that are so deep within
So I'm calling to You
If you can hear me
I don't know how
I was wondering can you hold me now
You are the only one that's patient when I fall
Your angels come to save me every time I call
You don't laugh at me when I make mistakes and cry
You're not like man
You understand me
See people change one day
They don't like you the next they do
I wish that everyone could love me just like You
So here I am this sinful man peace won't allow
I was wondering can you hold me now
I was wondering can you hold me now
To every broken person that may hear this song
To every boy or girl that feels their smile is gone
I know exactly how it feels to lay in the bed at night
And cry
And cry
Don't you worry God is faithful and He cares
About the tears you drop and the pain you feel He there
When you are weak that's when he's strong
Even though you don't know how
God can and he will hold you now
God can and he will hold you now
God can and he will hold you now
Don't you worry he can hold you now

The lyrics I highlighted in pink are the words that I felt the most. The words that resonated and still resonate in my heart. God can heal my scars. His love will never fade away from me no matter how far. He's not like humans at all. I'm very hesitant on who I can really call a friend but with God there really is no hesitation. He's the only person that will 100% have my back no matter what. I haven't been peaceful in a while. Sleepless nights? EVERY NIGHT. Whenever I get depressed, I have nightmares. It's really weird but it's what happens. Then I get too scared to go back to sleep so I just sit up and deep life. But if I surrender my all, God can provide me with the peace that I need. A sound mind. He truly is faithful and has my best interests at heart. In my weakest moments, He is still fighting my battles for me. The victory has already been won.

Last, but not least, is my favourite Gospel artist Donnie McClurkin's song, All We Ask. At first I only listened to the song because the harmonies are actually lit, however I really took the time to just concentrate on the words. I know many people that read my blogs aren't Christian, or religious at all. For me, I truly believe that after this painful life, there is a wonderful place waiting in store for me. Heaven. Even greater than Heaven is the person who is waiting there to receive me into His arms - Jesus. The last verse of this song brings an image to my mind -

Take me home with you my lord
When my life is through
Take me home with peace my lord
Let me rest with you
When I've fought the fight
And I've kept the faith
And my race on earth is won
All I ask is that you say well done
Lord please let me hear you say well done

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 says:

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

IMAGINE. Being called up to be with your creator. It's my number one goal in life. To hear Him say

"well done my good and faithful servant"

. YES PLEASE. That's why we have to keep on striving. If you look at this posts featured image you will see the text for this one is 2 Corinthians 4:16 which is telling us never to give up. My biggest fear in the period of life I am in now is that God would never take me back. That I should just give up. The devil is a liar. I will keep striving day in day out to never let lose sight of God.

That was part 1.

Remember how my biggest problem was that I was so obsessed with having a boyfriend I lost my sense of self?

It really broke my heart that loads of girls popped up to me saying that they could relate. I really think that there's a lot behind it. When we're younger from the time we can speak, as girls we are basically given this idea that our main goal in life should be to get married. From ages of as young as 3 (maybe even younger who knows) people make comments like "oo she's a cutie, she'll definitely get loads of boys after her when she grows up". Like say a person's value is based upon how many people they can attract.

I don't even want to put the full blame on society because we are society my friend. I've learnt that I need to stop blaming what's going on in my mind on external factors so much and start focusing on what I need to do within my own self. Of course I still want a boyfriend and as a lot of people have reassured me, there's nothing wrong with that. It only became a problem when I let it override my true self. But let me just make this public announcement:

I AM BACK AND I AM HERE TO STAY!

I don't care if you think I'm ugly. I don't care if you don't find me funny (I know I'm funny so I definitely don't need your opinion on that one). I don't care if you don't think I'm amazing. LOL. I'm really an independent woman. I'm a Queen. My worth is priceless.

Yeah, I was really about to go on and on but seriously though, love yourself. As with everything this is a process. But when you don't love yourself, can someone else really come along and love you? Even if they said they did, if you don't value your own worth wouldn't that make it hard for them to love you? I don't actually know the answers but these are questions to think about.

Once you start to build yourself up, everything else will fall into place. I've learnt that now. Somebody will eventually come along when the time is right. If I keep looking and stress myself out when I don't find I'll just fall back into a spiral of despair and I can't be asked with that.

The Lord himself said "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33).

I have loads more to say but my brain does this thing where it cuts off after a while. I will be back though. I really want to do my empowerment program/show one day. I pray that if it's God's will it will come to fruition.

Thank you for reading. If youe ever need me you can talk to me whenever. x