Healing Isn't Linear
TW// mentions self harm & suicide
“The very thing that used to hold me, is the thing I’m now fighting with” – Sarah Jakes Roberts
That quote just resonated with me when I first heard it. I think it really is a reflection of my life. When I look back as to why I started blogging in the first place I just have to smile. From my darkest of places I created a space to share my story to help others battling the same thing. I used the emotions, the illness, the thoughts as a drive, a motivating factor in helping others and through that I was fighting whatever I was dealing with.
This is still the aim.
Yet somehow I thought it was a different. I thought I would now be writing from a place of retrospect. A place where I remembered what I was going through so I could share those experiences. Now here I am feeling like I’m just back at square one. Feeling like I’ve failed everyone, even myself. Hearing the doctor tell me I’m not well, the psychologist tell me I’m not well. Hearing my thoughts telling me I’m not well and feeling absolutely, mentally unwell.
It even feels like it’s returned with a vengeance. There’s new symptoms. Feelings and behaviours that I can’t even explain. Am I going crazy? For a moment I really did feel like the 14 year old child. The one that was literally on edge everyday and couldn’t bear the thought of life. I felt like I’d time travelled. As though life hadn’t really progressed, and I was just stuck. What was I doing wrong. How is it almost 10 years later I’m still being diagnosed with anxiety and depression? I really thought I was the problem. Then a friend reminded me that healing isn’t linear.
Years of trauma, pain and anguish do not just disappear overnight. Intense emotions such as heartbreak, grief, anger, jealousy, an unforgiving spirit are not straightforward and navigating through them isn’t necessarily one straight road. I know people can feel guilty, silly, frustrated, confused when emotions and situations resurface that they thought they had gotten past. The fact of the matter is life doesn’t work that way. I wish life was as easy as 1,2,3. I would love to say that if life was to be plotted on a graph it would be a straight ascending line. Unfortunately it’s not. It’s full of highs and lows. There’s steep drops and slow and steady rises often with little dips in between.
So, you’re probably thinking, when these feelings resurface what can I do?
Well here are some things to think about and take action on:
- Reflect on and remember the progress you’ve made since the last time these feelings arose or the last time you found yourself in a similar situation
- Think about what lessons you learnt from that last period and how could those lessons be applied here – were there any tools you discovered? People you reached out to? Actions you took on your own that aided you in a positive way?
- What could you do differently this time? How will you approach it to move forward?
I had to remind myself that I am not that 14 year old girl. This time I’m not self-harming. I have no suicidal thoughts. I am weirdly optimistic even during this distress. I know that the flame within me will be rekindled I just have to keep pushing. So do you.
Those same emotions things that used to have you bound; you can now set them free. If you’ve risen above before, what’s stopping you from doing it again? No it will not be easy. I’m not saying illnesses just go away or emotions just go away. I will not pretend nor deny that some days can be exhausting and the last thing I want to even do is brush my teeth let alone fight back at life. However, it’s the moments of victory and optimism that we need to cling on to remembering that they are not out of our reach.
Thank you for reading this post.
Remember I am always here to talk.
Find me on Instagram @taneshaschronicles and on Youtube: Tanesha’s Chronicles