Insecure? Incapable -REALITY CHECK
PANICK ATTACK.
ANXIETY IS REAL.
I spent the night tossing and turning. I woke up at 8 past every hour (I know because I checked whenever I woke up). When the morning did eventually come I felt guilty and sick because I know I haven't revised nearly as much as I should.
Honestly, my motivation is on -10000000.
Lately I've been feeling like a huge part of my life is missing. I actually don't know where I'm going. I constantly question my actual purpose. There's times where I feel like this is all just banter, one day I will wake up from a dream because at this moment it just feels like I'm drifting.
I'll get random ideas on the next move I should make or the next step I should take. I constantly change my mind on what career path I should take. I question my ability to even finish my law course. I've become so absorbed by negativity it's really hard to break free. I get serious anxiety and instead of me to take control, the anxiety takes control of my life and does the thinking for me. In trying to have a positive mindset I told myself I have to suppress any negative thoughts or energy. I thought I'd managed to do so but because I went about it in such an unhealthy way, the negative thoughts gradually outweighed the positive. Suppressing emotions is such an unhealthy way to deal with life's problems because it gradually builds up and explodes unexpectedly.
Since my last post 'Movin On Up', I've realised I was
really really really
wrong. In that post I was all about positivity and being nothing but positive all 2018. However, in being so positive I've become so negative..At the start of the year, when the clock struck 12 on the 1st of January, I told myself that all my problems from 2017 were no more. Instead of dealing with them at face value I decided to act like they were non-existent. If a problem or an emotion arose that I didn't want to deal with I just wouldn't talk about it and go about life as normal. Eventually though, the thoughts in my head which started off as a whisper started screaming at me. I went from trying to live my best life to now having a billion breakdowns a week. I don't even know how to live my best life at this point. WHAT EXACTLY IS LIVING MY BEST LIFE?????
I literally fight with myself everyday not to self harm. February marked one year since I last relapsed. I didn't even celebrate it because the emotion and the battle is still going on. I find myself on occasions asking God to just end my life because the future appears bleak at times. I'm not exactly suicidal I just don't want life to continue especially the way it's going now. The anxiety keeps me locked up. My room is literally my safe place. I don't go to uni, church, social events anything unless I appear to be having a good day which is rare. In my room I'm safe from criticism, from peoples' judgement and thoughts. I control what goes on in my room and it puts my mind at ease.
My insecurities and deeming myself incapable have really torn me down and stripped me of every inch of happiness. But God knows. He really knows how to talk to me when I need to be shaken up. The days I do get the urge to get up and go to church it's like the messages were devised to bring me back to reality. I have this thing when I hear preachers or evangelists talking I will take what they say and shape it into my own messages. This one particular day I went to church and the sermon was all about David bringing down Goliath. Funnily enough, a devotional I randomly selected to read reinforced the same message I heard that day and I decided to change it into my own.
David on the face of things seemed incapable of even going to battle. His job was to tender the sheep. Even before that when the prophet Samuel was sent to bless the next King of Israel, Jesse, David's father didn't even think to show David to Samuel as it was probably an amusing thought that a little shepherd boy could one day lead a whole nation. Yet he was in fact the one that God had chosen. When it came to battling the 9 foot giant Goliath again he was mocked and criticised because he was deemed incapable. His slingshot and his stones weren't exactly what one would describe as battle gear. However, David knew that in God was where his capabilities lay. In 1 Samuel 17:45 he says :
"Thou Comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts..."
Long story short David won the battle, became King and even still today is knows as 'The man after God's own heart' because he refused to believe the lie that he was incapable as he was connected to the Source who is capable of it all.
Once you're connected to God, no matter what giants are in your life they can be defeated. This sounds so cliche but sometimes we need these healthy reminders. I know right now many are facing giants whether that be stress from exams, work, problems within relationships of any kind and so forth but once you invite God into those battles as David did, you will always win maybe even in ways you may not even realise... Proverbs 3:5-12 in the MSG version says:
5-12
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
a father’s delight is behind all this.
After reminding myself of this I felt relieved but then anxiety jumped back in and told me that there's still so much wrong with me. My insecurities started kicking me to the ground and choking me. From the way I look and talk to my so called 'skills'. I still questioned myself, my capabilities. I was watching the favourite - The Prince of Egpyt and it was at the scene where Moses was talking to God who appeared to him as a burning bush. God called Moses to lead his people out of Egypt but all Moses could focus on was his incapability and his insecurity. In particular his insecurity when it came to his speech. In Exodus 4:10
Moses tells God he is neither eloquent...that he is slow of speech and tongue.
God reminds Moses in verses 11 and 12 that
it was God who made man's mouth so God would be the one who would teach him what to say
. This reminded me that even with my insecurities I am made in the image of God. We all are. In saying this
God can use us amidst our insecurities if we just let him
. Somehow, we will come out on top. We were made to be the head and not the tail. We cannot let our insecurities hinder us from the blessings that were intended for us and also for the blessings that God wants us to bestow upon others.
This all links to a conversation I had with my dad a few months ago.
My dad called me to ask how I was. My usual response is always
'fine'
but for some reason I felt like being honest so I told him how anxious I was about the future. How incapable I felt which is why I can't decide what profession I want to go into when I complete my law degree.I even exaggerated and told him I don't even think I can photocopy a piece of paper. My dad told me it's because I don't have PRACTICAL faith. Faith itself defined as
'believing without seeing'
(Hebrews 11:1). It's one thing to say I believe in God but to step out and act on that is another. My dad told me
I have to rely on God within successes and failures. Once I start training myself it becomes a habit then it will become instilled in my life, He said faith is a mindset that overcomes anxiety and I need to learn to step out in faith instead of doubting God and He will show me what He can do through me. There's no point in worrying about the future because it's not something we control. He said to make the most of what I have now. I'm doing a degree, I should put my all into it and see where it takes me. Focus on the now and take it day by day.
At that time I was reading the book of Numbers.
In the book of Numbers you will find the part of the Israelites' journey where Joshua and Caleb were sent to go and view the land that God had promised them. They came back to Moses and the Israelites with report that others were occupying the land. Immediately the Israelites began to complain "
we would've been better off in Egypt ...."
They began their whole 'Woe is me' tirade. This is because they lacked faith. Essentially, without even realising it, they were insulting God's power and effectively diminishing all the miracles and blessings He had bestowed upon them. You would think that as God had promised the land to them, they would create an action plan to claim what was rightfully there's. BUT NO! We do this ourselves. There are so many promises God has made to us that we seem to forget and it's tragic because in doing so we end up hindering our blessing. I think it's so important to be more grateful and look at what God has done in the past in order to keep you going.
"A heart of gratitude is a heart full of hope and happiness"
If the Israelites weren't so ungrateful and selectively forgetful, they wouldn't have blocked their blessing. God told them they would not see the promised land, the younger generation would be the ones to enter in. They were made to walk around the wilderness for 40 extra years due to their lack of faith. Imagine being so close to your blessing without even knowing and giving up because you lacked the faith to continue?
I believe that sometimes as people we expect things to just be handed to us without actually working for it. Life is really not that easy. You have those people that when an issue arises their only advice is to 'pray'. Yes prayer holds power but you really think sitting back and just praying is all you should do? You need to act on it. It's like praying to pass an exam but then not revising then you wonder why you fail? Let' go back to the Israelites. They knew God had promised them the land from the days of Abraham and I think they felt that He would just hand it over to them. Sometimes our faith is tested as was there's. If they really believed God's promise why didn't they just go for it?
REALITY CHECK GUYS!
There are times when we fail to see the bigger picture. We start to moan and groan about the little things and become all consumed by it. We engross ourselves in the negative to the point that we drive the light and love of Jesus out. We are not real with ourselves or each other when it comes to our many situations. I know so many people like myself that choose to ignore the mess in their lives and just carry on as normal thinking that it's making their life easier when it really isn't. They think because problems are a normal part of life we just have to keep moving on. I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling. I hate talking about my feelings. I am an open book that's still closed. I will tell you just enough to either inspire you or let you know where I'm at in life but you will never know the full picture. I get so many comments of people telling me how happy and strong I come across and when I am real I get questioned as to how if I'm a christian why am I hurting so bad. I feel like some christians portray a walk with God to be so smooth. I hear stories like 'i paid tithes the other day and i gave more than i should have now I have a job' or anything along the lines of I done this for someone else and now I've got this and I've reached here. It's true, yes, God does bless us when we carry out His will but at the same time we need to be real and understand there will be people who will go above and beyond and they will still be battling whatever. That doesn't mean God doesn't love those people any less. He's still watching over them. There will be people who give their last bit of money to offering and end up homeless the next month. These things happen. The only thing is in the midst of these problems how do you deal with it? Christianity is a lifestyle, the stories and lessons we learn from the Bible are to be implemented into our lives. Sometimes I fail to do this though. So do many others. Like me do you ignore what's going on and attempt to move forward on your own? Like the Israelites do you forget how far you've come? God can keep us up and running no matter what. In the midst of my dark place if I step out in practical faith I can find new strength to keep going no matter my circumstance and so can you.
Isaiah 40:31 says -
they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint.
God can keep our batteries charged, to keep our lights on in this dark tunnel. If we rededicate our lives each day, new strength will be found on a daily basis. It's a life long process and I've come to realise that. It definitely doesn't happen immediately and it definitely doesn't happen by ignoring my true state.
In our weakness we will be made strong.
So
God wants us to be vulnerable with Him and put our lives in His hands. It's scary, I still find it scary and I was born into the faith but one day when you feel God's love, that fear will evaporate.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear...."
~ 1 John 4:18
I decided to speak on this topic with so many people in mind. I pray at least one person has been blessed and will be able to find new strength amidst any challenges their facing. Just remember to exercise practical faith.
Ps. Apart from the introduction, I wrote this post months ago. I've just had so many things going on I refrained from posting it. However, during this exam season I felt like it is needed NOW more than it was necessary before.
If you have any prayer requests please comment below or message me on any of my social media platforms.
If you want somebody to speak to I’m always here. I won’t judge just listen.