Let's Talk About It #3 - "Wanty Wanty Cyaan Getty"

Wanty Wanty Cyaan Getty and Getty Getty nuh Wanty

If you're not Caribbean, you're probably wondering what that even means. Let me explain. Those who want something can't get it and those who get it don't want it.

Boy, I don't even know where to begin on this one so I'm really just going to pour it out on this page right now. It might even become a stream of consciousness but at this point I don't care I just need a release right now. Free of judgement, free of any type of thought or opinion one may have about anything I'm about to say.

I know it's been a while since I last wrote something and that's because I've reached a place where I really don't like talking about my feelings with anyone. Mainly because my thoughts are so dark these days just thinking makes me feel sick. So why speak about it? But this one, I need to speak about as I've just cried over it waaaaaaaay too much.

Let me actually get into it...

So, if you know me or you have me or snap or any social media platform then you know how badly I crave love and affection. These days I've been on what some may call a "husband hunt". I'm tired of feeling lonely and unwanted. I've always told people I detested marriage and relationships but I guess my hormones have finally kicked in and they have kicked REAL HARD. That being said however, I have come to the realisation that I've made a big mistake. My feelings of being unwanted and lonely have lead me into some dark pathways which I will not mention but

wow

is all I can say.

My eyes have been opened to the fact that I really just need to sit back and hold tight instead of doing the most. I haven't been true to myself AT ALL and it actually causes me physical pain just to think about it. I keep going after things and people I really should be staying away from.

I've become so self absorbed. Vanity has taken over.

Everything has become about the way I look and appear to the opposite sex. I never cared before. Not even slightly... sigh... The compliments and comments I would get built up this false confidence within me. I put my happiness into temporary things and temporary people. When it wouldn't go right I would really just cry myself to sleep. Last night was the worst. I cried so hard I really woke up this morning with my eyes stinging.

I'm always the first to scream "men are trash" but really I'm the trash one. I'm the one who changed myself into this one idiot I am today. I keep thinking "maybe" or "what if". What if I was actually myself would I find love then? Then I remember that when I am myself that I get shutdown even then. So I act up again and I keep going round and round in circles. I hate this really. I hate knowing what I want but not being able to have it. Worse thing about it is my obsession with wanting to be in a relationship has driven me far from my most important relationship. My relationship with God. Do I even pray anymore? At the most I thank Him for waking me up and thank Him for food if I remember. I feel like I've just gone too far. In all honesty I'm even scared to call on Him because I feel like what's the point? He forgives me then what? I go back and do all my foolishness again? LOL. I don't want that. I want to be serious about this. I want to go back when I'm certain I won't drift. Worst thing is I know in my heart God will accept me regardless. He knows change doesn't happen over night. He knows it's in our human nature and yet He is willing to pick me back up again every time I fall but I'm just too scared.

I'm actually the biggest mess I've ever been. Just because of some silly obsession with wanting a boyfriend. Who would've have thought it. I am actually so angry with myself it's crazy. At the same time I've had so much other stuff going on and it's all just a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I AM TIRED OF LIVING OH MY DAYS.

Sometimes I wish I was dead. I mean I don't want to die but I want to be dead. It's a hard concept to understand so don't even try because as I said this post is just an emotional release. This isn't even everything on my mind if I'm honest but the thoughts that are in my mind I can't even begin to construe. To put them into words would just be too stressful and too painful.

People's favourite question to ask me. "Are you alright?" NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT. NOT AT ALL. If you ask though my response will always be I'm fine so I don't have to explain or receive 'sympathy' from anybody. I hate sympathy. Don't try and understand because you never will understand. Don't feel sorry for me just let me hurt in peace. I'm so weak and tired. I don't want to cry but at the same time crying feels good. I don't know how to escape this black box. It's like it's been bolted and the key is hidden somewhere. I feel like the key is with me in this box but because it's so dark I can't find it. Even if I do find it the bolt is on the outside so what do I do then? How do I get out? It's actually crazy. I could really go on and on but I'm just going to stop now before I have a further breakdown.