Let's Talk About It #7 - The Spirit of Envy

I just needed to release this off my chest and I know many people will be able to relate to this - possibly.

I've realised I'm a very envious person. Especially these days. Envy has actually taken over my soul. People will tell me their plans and their fortunes and my heart will feel weird. I don't know how to explain the sensation or emotion but it's sickening. I am really happy for others and their success and so forth. I genuinely am but I constantly find myself asking God "when is my turn?" or "what about me?". It's seriously one of the many triggers of my depression.

Growing up I've never really owned branded stuff like clothes etc. It really used to put me down. During secondary school, things like 'own clothes day' where you got to wear whatever you wanted I fully dreaded. Most times I wore my uniform because I didn't want people to know I didn't necessarily have what they had. Then times when I did participate I remember borrowing items from friends so I wouldn't look like the odd one out. Even now at university I think it's the hardest. From day one people laughing at what phone I had really irritated my soul. I could just about afford my rent let alone a phone. I actually hate when people start sentences with "In this 2018 people still have..." or "people are still wearing..." It's literally like just allow it. Are you going to buy them these things? Why do you actually care? I always stay silent during these conversations because I don't own anything I have. I smile and stay quiet but inside I feel hurt and left out.

Just typing this I actually feel foolish but when words are on paper or on the screen I'm able to process them better.

Then there's other things I've found myself envying. Like other girls and how beautiful they are or those people who are in relationships or people who have more money than me and can afford to do what they please. Or how much freedom people have in their homes or friendships people have. The weirdest thing I've found myself envying is people's relationships with God. Since sixth form when I met these two amazing souls and (in my opinion) strongly religious people I started doubting my relationship with God. As in - why couldn't I quote scriptures or give Godly advice or feel the connections they would explain to me that they had with God or at Church. Even now I sometimes feel like rubbish because I'm not there.

I've been talking to God about it. Thinking about it now has me crying because honestly it leaves me with such a heavy heart. I started a bible plan on envy and the one lesson that has stuck out to me so far is that I need to humble myself. I need to realise I don't deserve anything. Not even life. God has blessed me yet I can't even see past my own nose.

Luke 9:23 (KJV) says:
23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

In other words, I need to stop focusing on myself. My life belongs to God. I need to prevent myself from being so caught up in worldly treasures and other people's lives. Moreover, this social media thing is very destructive. I keep forgetting that people only post what they want me to see. I don't know their full story nor do they know mine. It's all a facade.

Honestly I just want this feeling to dissolve. I want to be content. I want to be peaceful. I want to experience what true happiness is. I'm my only hinderance and I think that is what is hurting me the most. I actually feel defeated. However maybe the fact that I've realised the problem I can now overcome it. I don't know. My soul is just so tired. I'm tired of pretending. Tired of everything at this point. But God is giving me the strength to keep going so let me just smile.