Let's Talk About It #8 - It was all my fault.

I love reflecting. I also hate reflecting. I like looking back on good times. I hate remembering bad times. However, the way my brain is set up I replay everything over and over and over and over...

I am what you call "

melancholic

".

Before I even get into it:

HAPPY NEW YEAR - BIG BIG 2019 YOU KNOW

!

As it is a new year, that for me means reflecting on the old year. Reflecting on the good and the bad. One particular event (if that's what it can be called) left me distraught and distressed. At first I blamed the other person for my pain and anger but when I "reflect", it's time to take responsibility for my own actions and realise it was actually

all my fault

.

In July of 2018, I ended up in a so called relationship. You know what it's like right? The first couple weeks. That 'honeymoon period'. Where you believe it will all last forever.

I was definitely a sucker for what I thought was love.

It's funny because after like 3 weeks I began to have doubts. I would tell him about it and he would help me talk it out. But the doubts returned. Again and again. The doubts even seeped into my dreams. I should have ended it when I saw how it was affecting my anxiety. But I was so in love with the

idea

of being in love, I firmed it.

See, I've always wanted to fall in love and be swept off my feet. That Cinderella story. But I would tell others around me that I detested marriage and what not because I never thought it would come. I've never loved myself enough to even begin to imagine that someone could truly love me.

Anyways, about a month and a bit down the line, things happened and the vibe changed. I felt the shift, I let the shift control my emotions. How was I letting someone have so much control over me? But you know what? It wasn't him, it was me! I didn't love myself enough to see that this was far from a healthy, romantic situation. Anywhose, he ended breaking up with me. I thought I was cool with it but truth is I hated him.

Yes; hate is a very strong word but believe me when I say that is most certainly how I felt. To make it even worse I found out that he lied to me. If there's one thing I don't like is people lying to me so this just fuelled my hatred even more. I muted his stories on snap and muted his posts on insta. Didn't want anyone mentioning his name to me. Didn't want to see his face. I just wanted to act like it was all a big nightmare that never happened.

You see, I refused to let myself have feelings for this guy for a very long time. I was scared I would get hurt ( lol how ironic). I didn't really trust people or open up and he knew that so what hurt me even more was that he heard my pain but still hurt me. Guys I was so bamboozled!

When I actually sit and deep it though. I don't hate him. I don't even miss HIM. I just miss what we had. Does that make sense? I miss someone telling me they love me. I miss feeling protected. I miss the constant assurance. Someone telling me I'm beautiful and making me feel special. Do you know why I miss these things?

BECAUSE I FAIL TO SEE THEM FOR MYSELF

It's quite sad. I don't actually see my full value so I depend on others. I'm speaking in present tense because it's still so hard to see. I scream how much I love Jesus whilst failing to see how much Jesus loves me. Jesus sees my value. Jesus can give me all those things I craved from the other guy.

So many girls fall into this trap of believing that they're in love but really, they're just looking for the love that they don't have for themselves.

I'm pleading with you guys, fall in love with yourselves first before you even think about letting someone love you. Once you love yourself, you'll have boundaries and expectations in place so that no body can come and steal your joy.

PS. Jesus loves you regardless x