Love vs Lust

I was scrolling through Twitter the other day and came across someone’s tweet that said, “Being lusted after isn’t the same as being genuinely pursued” and it hit me – I’ve never experienced genuine love from a man, nor have I been pursued for my heart but rather looks and assets.

As I reflect on past relationships, situationships and conversations; everything was always about my looks, my breasts and if I would be willing to have sex or do anything sexual. It troubles me because my whole life people have treated me differently based on looks. Growing up I was the ugly, disabled girl so I was bullied by so many guys. I think this is when I started to seek the approval more. Changing how I dressed, the pictures I took and posted. The so-called approval started to roll in and I began to confuse this lust with genuine affection.

You would think I would have realised this as when guys got to know me and realised I had standards, I was intellectual, I was more than breasts and face, they dipped. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’m even too much of a person. Yet I continued with the same actions expecting different results – yes the signs of a crazy person! Maybe I did know what was going on subconsciously, but I didn’t love myself enough to step back. In fact I even ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship. It affected me so badly to the point that there were days I couldn't sleep in my accommodation alone simply because my mood was so low. Days where I was scared  he'd have an aggressive outburst or days when his words and actions would really play on me. Yet I allowed it because I was receiving some sort of nonsensical attention and we had a "vibe".

So often we blur the lines between lust and love. We connect with people simply because of how they look and how good they make us feel. As soon as it is no longer picture perfect and things start to bubble up, the relationship breaks down. This is because there was no real foundation in the first place.

So the important questions: What does real love look like? How do you know if it’s lust or love?

Lust is a very intense physical attraction to another. It is skin deep. A surface level attraction. Love, on the other hand pierces the surface. Love involves an emotional bond. A connection that is built on sacrifice, empathy, trust, meaningful connection, acceptance, commitment, kindness, compromise, genuine care and compassion whilst being able to learn from each other and grow together. A relationship is more than just “vibes”. It requires more than just feeling happy around each other. If you love someone you’re willing to let them go if it’s in their best interest. Love isn’t blind and doesn’t cloud judgement. That’s lust. That’s infatuation.

I write this post because I know many fall into this trap. Many want to be desired. Be in a healthy relationship but take unhealthy steps to get there. We know what to do, we even know the signs yet avoid them like the plague because we would rather sacrifice our peace for momentary enjoyment rather than something permanent and solid.

Recently, I’ve begun to be more confident in my looks. No longer relying on external validation.  I am still cautious when it comes to my personality and showing too much or speaking too much. I am still haunted by being ‘overbearing’, but I need to remember that this is my life and I can’t hold back in fear of others words and opinions Who is supposed to stick around will stick around. The most important thing is that I am authentic and move with integrity. I refuse to devalue myself and compromise on my standards. In fact I will continue to demand more for myself because I am oh so worth it.

Lust is not necessarily always a bad thing it’s just about being cautious analysing your own intentions and questioning the intentions of any potential love interests. It's highly necessary to question these things in order to avoid unhealthy situations and unnecessary heartbreak.