Self Harm: My (Short) Story
I started self-harming around the age of 14. A lot was going on.
Dealing with bullying, my illnesses, family illnesses, other stresses and it really took a toll on me. I just remember despising myself. Hating life. Constantly crying. It got to a point I couldn’t sleep properly. I thought I was going mad. It was all so overwhelming.
I don’t remember the first time I cut I just remember it went on until I was around 17/18 years of age. I’ve relapsed a few times since then. I won’t even lie and say that they aren’t days when I get urges to relapse just to feel that temporary sense of release. It’s very important to understand that the release is most definitely temporary and there are healthier and more permanent ways to express different emotions.
Reasons why I did it:
- It was a release
- I did it to comfort myself. It sounds like such an oxymoron: inflicting pain to create comfort? In someone else’s mind that would most definitely not make sense. It did in mine though.
- I felt as though I deserved the pain. There were certain people in life who I had let make me think that I had no value. No purpose. I was unfavorable. Unlovable. I just deserved the bad things in life and one of those things was pain. So that’s just what I did.
It’s crazy because the scars on my legs haven’t faded and the scars on my arms are still pretty visible. Sometimes when I’m alone I trace them and cry and feel physically sick. Other times I smile and feel like an overcomer.
During the whole period I remember when I opened my mouth and told people about it – some were understanding but the vast majority made me feel disgusting and terrible. I got comments ranging from people being “disappointed in me” to how “sinful” I am to be doing such things to myself. There were even adults who would pick up my arm and tell me how “bio oil can get rid of those scars”. Being a child with various illnesses I was always in and out of hospital so when I was getting injections and things naturally doctors and nurses would question what my scars were, and they’d fall silent when they received their answer.
Even thinking back now I am beginning to relive all those emotions I was feeling whenever these instances occurred, and I cannot believe I am where I am today.
I just want to let people know that there is hope. There is a future. It gradually becomes easier to process negative emotions as you grow and learn. That’s not to say you won’t have down days, but you will cope better. I personally am still learning. I have days when I completely shut down because I still struggle at times to understand what I’m feeling.I literally relapsed momentarily last summer. Initially I did beat myself u about it. Now, I am learning that this is okay and I can continue to grow and challenge myself.
Another thing that kept me going is where I had lost faith and hope, those around me still had it and reminded me of the God I serve. They prayed for me, with me. They reminded me God loves me as He loves you too. If anyone reading this just wants me to lift them up in prayer just drop me a message.