Sorry.

Disclaimer: This may be triggering.

Firstly,

I really want to apologise for everyone I'm about to let down. I just know I have to be real with you guys and myself otherwise what's the point in doing what I'm doing. Trying to inspire when I can just about make it through the day. 

Okay. Here it goes.

These past few days I've really been struggling. More than I've struggled within these last months. Suicidal thoughts have just been creeping into my mind. I've been fighting the urge to self harm. To not end life. To not give up. I look at my arms and see the scars from the past instances and just break down. Every inch of my soul has been drained.

How can I tell people to keep going when I just can't be bothered to even try anymore. I feel like a fraud. I'm actually so sorry that I've been so weak. Life has just attacked me from all corners and I really have been beat down. Absolutely everything triggers me these days. The slightest words and I will feel some type of way. My anxiety has been on another level. It's actually been so horrible.

I have really tired myself out trying to keep up with this charade. Everyday I play as though I'm happy and everything is going alright. I'll be sitting with a group of people smiling but really wanting to be in my bed, with my thoughts, all alone. Clearly I've attempted to push myself out of my comfort zone waaaaaaay too early so I'm just going to take a step back for now. Shut myself back in my hole. I've decided that this academic year I will just dedicate my time to studies as a distraction. I refuse to be in extreme social settings because I don't think I can deal with it all right about now. 

Honestly - I hate myself.

I'm just asking for everyone's prayers. I don't want the usual "are you okay?", "what's going on?". I just want prayers. I still believe that prayer holds power because it connects us to the source of power. God. My faith is far from strong but I will keep trying to build it up. For now though I'm going to take a break from this writing thing. 

I'm glad I've been able to inspire and help so many people. I'm glad I've helped people when they've come to me with problems and questions. However, it's time to help myself for a while. Whatever this battle is, I'm telling you it is actually serious. I literally argue with my own thoughts. Do you know how wild that is?

 This is not goodbye but rather see you later. I hope you all understand.