#SuicideAwarenessWeek: My Truth
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠
Okay, so this post will be more like a stream of consciousness. I am about to be really vulnerable but that's what this is about right?
So, on the 10th of September, every year is recognised as Global Suicide Awareness Day. In America, this past week has been Suicide Awareness Week. Being a mental health advocate I couldn't just let it past.
I wanted to share my story. Dealing with suicidal thoughts.
It's weird because when I sit and think about it, I honestly thought that I never really had them buuuut I have this thing called a memory box. I was going through it one day in uni and the tears I began to cry. I found torn out pages of a notebooks and all the pieces of paper were letters to my friends and family before I killed myself. There was a poem called "Goodnight Tanesha". There was a diary entry of how I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow. I even found a piece of work from my GCSE English where we had to take a poem and write a monologue on it. I remember so distinctly searching for a poem on suicide and writing the monologue as though I was the girl in the poem. I received such a good grade and it was a bitter sweet feeling because the words I had penned were really my emotions.
It freaks me out because I still haven't thrown them away. They're still in the box and I can't understand why...
Only as I got older did I become more aware of these thoughts and actually take them seriously. I hid them though. Every time I went to counselling they would ask if I had them and I always said no. I guess I didn't think they were important as I believed I would never act on them. Thankfully, I didn't act on them. Instead I used self harm as an outlet and wished that I had the "
courage
" to end it all.
I guess these feelings come from constantly feeling lonely. Feeling unwanted. Feeling as if I don't belong. Constantly being in and out of hospital for checkups and tests due to several different medical problems. Then also everything else I am dealing with internally. From depression to anxiety, to stresses from trauma and so forth.
Furthermore, there are external triggers. This past year has been really difficult especially due to a traumatic experience that I am still in shock about. The last time I was triggered by it, I ended up relapsing into self harm and that was literally a month ago. Before that I had been a whole year clean so I really let myself down.
Everything right now is actually difficult so I find it easier to play pretend. Act as if I'm okay and eventually it will all go away. It's funny because they say that madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. I must be mad. Because each time I block everything out, it all piles up and I get really agitated and it all spills out.
I get scared that nobody will love me because I'm "that" girl and by being too vulnerable people will run away.
HOWEVER, I see myself getting better. I see things in my mindset and behaviours improving. I'm one month clean and my journey starts again. Just because we fall doesn't mean we can't get back up.
Some things that help me are:
- Keeping a journal
- Having a support system
- My personal faith + relationship with God
If you ever need to talk, below I have inserted some numbers from the NHS website of services you can contact for help. Not just for suicidal thoughts but whenever you are feeling low. Prevention is better than cure.
If anything, please go to your nearest A&E as they have specialists on standby ready to provide immediate help. Or call 999 or 111
Thank you for reading and sharing in my journey. I just needed to pour it out. The message of this post is that you are not alone and you can get better and work towards healing. No matter how long it takes. I've been dealing with things since I was 14. I am now 22. Everyone's journey is different.