The Emotion of Confusion
In the midst of my early morning prayer, I felt prompted to
write this. It’s weird. A sort of urge.
(Might have just been my own as this is how I release pain so don’t take my
word for it)
Please, please, please don’t judge me (you probably will) based upon
the things that you see here.
For the longest time I have found myself feeling things. Weird things. Negative things. These feelings make
me sick. So I decided to get to the root of them and pray daily to work with
God to get rid of them. (I have actually written about this before but not like
this)
What are these
feelings?
- I
look at friends and family, sometimes people I don’t even know and feel a distaste
sometimes towards their successes because I don’t have it – especially if we’ve
been doing the same thing but their outcome has been faster or better or both
(this can literally be in relation to anything from YouTube to other people’s
walks with God – honestly I feel horrible that I feel this way) - Hatred
and spite but not towards them, rather towards myself. The way I talk about and
to myself is almost all negative - Jealousy
- Constant
comparisons between myself and what is shown
to me - Depression
and low self-esteem - Bitterness
and anger - Self-Pity
- Greed
- In
a way - vanity
Do any of these emotions resonate with you?
The thing I am describing above is envy.
I decided to begin to read a devotional about envy and see
what the Bible has to say about these emotions and how to rid them from my
soul. The writer of the devotional defined envy as “a feeling of discontented or
resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck”.
She said that the difference between jealousy and envy is
that; Jealousy says, “I wish I had
what they had” whilst Envy says, “Why
should they have what I do not have?”
Honestly, I never used to be like this. I know in my heart
that I genuinely love to see people happy and thriving but even though I’m
happy, I’m also not. It then takes me into a state of confusion because I don’t
know which emotion is real. James 3:16
even says that where there is envy, there is confusion.
I find myself trying
to avoid the emotion by avoiding communication with so many people. I even
avoid asking people how they are sometimes because (again don’t judge me) … if they
say they’re depressed or down I start to feel like as if they’re trying to
steal my label. As in, I’ve realised I’ve fully labelled myself as the
depressed girl and it’s as if that’s all I have to offer without that label who
I am? So I keep myself down. By keeping myself down I have allowed the enemy to
attack and this is what I have allowed to enter my heart.
ENVY IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS AND I PROMISE IT’S
KILLING ME MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!
I attempted to deal with it on my own but as with everything
we try in our own strength, it failed; time and time again. This time I had to take
it to the foot of cross. I just woke up one day and thought it’s time to deny
self.
The question shouldn’t be “Why should they have what I do
not have?”, the questions I should be asking myself are:
- Is this something I NEED?
- Do I even deserve what that person has?
- MOST IMPORTANTLY – DOES GOD INTEND FOR ME TO
HAVE IT NOW OR EVER? DOES HE KNOW THAT IF I GET IT THAT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH
HIM WILL BE DESTROYED? - Do I know that for myself?
SO, WHAT HAVE I BEEN
DOING SO FAR?
- Everyday I wake up I rededicate myself to God
through prayer - As mentioned before, I am reading around envy in
the bible and seeing what God and also others have to say - As the devotional said – it takes intentional
work in our spirits to overcome to the temptation to envy – so that’s what I’ve
been doing; intentional work - I remind myself of who God says I am not who the
master of deceit wants me to be and I open myself up to my loved ones and
communicate with them about their feelings and mine - I have been honest with myself. Journaling my
emotions. Telling God my emotions. Then looking at ways to improve - I have been practising gratitude to be grateful
for what I do have (I even invited people on my social media accounts to join
me in what they are grateful for) - I have been detaching myself from this whole “depressed
girl” persona and trying to heal and actually be more positive - Most importantly, you know that line “not my
will but God’s will be done”, I’ve been trying to take that one SERIOUSLY and
aligning my heart’s desires with the desires that God has for me that should be
my heart’s desires (I hope that makes sense)
If we look at envy in the bible, it literally lead to
attempted murder or actual death. Examples are when Saul became envious of
David because he realised that God was now with David. Or when Cain slew his
brother Abel because God favoured Abel’s offering over Cain’s.
Or how about we go back to the beginning of time…
When Lucifer became envious because he saw himself as the
best in Heaven and wanted to be above Jesus. Then when he was cast onto earth,
he then attempted to tempt Jesus and then kill Him. Now that he’s realised, he’s
a failure, he wants to bring everyone down with him. When you’re down with Satan,
your soul is dead. Your result is death. Being envious isn’t of God it is of the
flesh (Galatians 5:21). Therefore it
is sin and sin is death. But God gave us Jesus to cleanse us and wash away our
sin and also to remove this confusion and for that I am ever grateful. All it
takes is for us to go to our Heavenly Father and the journey with Him begins
there.
Ps. Small reminder that all that glitters isn’t golden. You never know what someone has gone through or is going through behind what is shown.
PPs. The devotional I mentioned is called “Break Free from
Envy A 6 Day Reading Plan” by Anna Light and can be found on the YouVersion bible
app and probably in other places.
I have been extremely
vulnerable in this post. I’ve never really wanted to open up because I was
afraid to lose friends and people I genuinely love and care about. I just ask
that you all pray for me instead of judge me as I really am struggling.