THE NEED FOR SAFETY IS ACTUALLY RISKY

Juxtapositions - got to love them! One of my favourite literary devices to use.

The idea of safety being risky really struck me on my walk today. As in, I'm sitting here in the park realising how self destructive some of my "protective measures" really are.

I woke up this morning hurting. I haven't actually slept properly for 3 weeks straight. The first week was flashbacks and nightmares and trembling. The second week was night sweats and tossing and turning. This past week I just wake up so many times shaking or wheezing because my body is somehow in fight or flight mode and I can't even think of a specific reason... Well there are a few things currently that have struck a nerve but nothing I would think as deep to interrupt my mental health.

Due to all of this I told myself I'm not going to talk to people for a while. As usual, just withdraw myself until it's all better. Disconnect from people because somehow it makes me feel better. The world is scary so I have to make myself safe. People leave and hurt me so I have to avoid them. Then something said "not this time Tanesha. This time we push". I was like hold up, I don't want to talk to anybody. Then just like that my phone was POPPIN OFF. I mean, my phone is usually dry so I was like ahhh man.

Anywho, whilst sitting here in the park I've realised I can't keep pulling away and then blaming the world. I can't keep refusing to let people love me and then screaming nobody loves me. I can't keep refusing to apply for jobs because I deem myself incapable then complaining that I have no job. I do these things to protect myself from rejection, hurt, making mistakes, feeling shame but in the long run what benefit does it really have? I just stay miserable.

I refuse to actually stay miserable. This morning I broke down in prayer and I promise I felt the Holy Spirit reach out and touch me. I know a change is coming but I also know I have to take risks to get to that change but it is in the danger that the beauties of life will reveal itself (come and see another juxtaposition).

I wrote this post to not only vent but to encourage you to begin to unlearn unhealthy habits that you think are safe but really are just destroying you slowly.