Why can't I just be at peace?

When reading this post you might think of me as a hypocrite because of the nature of my previous posts because I sure would. However, I'm just trying to be real with you guys & myself. So yes, even though I give you all this advice, sometimes it's hard to take it on board for myself but please just be patient with me.  (This was just a small disclaimer)

Anyways...

It's been ages since I last wrote a blog post. Probably just coming up to a month. To tell the truth my mind has been all over the place. Things had even gotten so bad I just gave up on going to church all together. Friends at church would constantly ask me where I was and I would just tell them I'm tired or I can't be bothered. I wasn't exactly lying. I actually was, and to be honest still am, tired. For a long period of time I've just been angry at God. Since the start of 2017 it's just been one hit after another. My mum almost died. My Granddad died. I've been taken for granted and a host of other things. I just kept saying it wasn't fair. It still doesn't seem fair. I would cry and cry for days. My attendance at university has slipped big time. I just wake up and make up an excuse on why I shouldn't go and jump right back into bed. I had frequent anxiety attacks. Everything just became unbearable. So I did it. I relapsed. I cut myself and yes it felt good.

Being the person that I am I won't tell you about my problems unless you ask so I had to find another way of releasing my emotions. Remember, I'd already blocked God out. I didn't even see him as an option. I didn't want to hear about what he could do for me. He wasn't doing anything for me when I asked, so why should I carry on asking? Self-harm at the time seemed like my only option. However, after a while I felt guilty. Imagine, it was coming up to 2 years of me being clean and I went ahead and ruined it all. It all hit me when I was in the shower. The sting of the water against my arms just made me cry. I really just wanted life to end. I found myself even asking God to end it for me. I just want peace of mind and at that time I felt that it really wasn't possible. My parents found out that I'd relapsed and once again I was back in medical care. I've been put on anti-depressants. It really broke my heart that I am so broken I have to depend on medicine to just about get through the day.

But listen, God is amazing. God is loving. Even when we give up on Him, He does not forsake us. As much as we can try to run from God, it's really not possible. Just look at what happened to Jonah. The fella got swallowed by a Whale (or a big fish) for him to be knocked back into his senses. God has really placed some beautiful people in my life that have supported me so much. My friends from sixth form have just been outstanding. The love I have for them can't even be expressed. Then my best friend. Listen, God put that boy in my life for a reason. He speaks right through him to get to me. There's a few others that have been there for me too. Together they all grounded me, managed to help me reconnect. Then the icing on the cake was yesterday when my brother took me to a Gospel Concert.  The theme was concerning God's love for us. It really touched me in all ways. So much I've even decided that I'm going to start taking baby steps back to the relationship I want to have with my Heavenly Father.

Don't get it twisted, I'm still hurting and part of me is still angry but with time I pray that my hurt will be healed. I was really thinking about life and God. Imagine, in human relationships we give up on someone and just walk away and these days people won't chase after you because nobody wants to show their vulnerability. It really just goes to show the extent of God's love. Look at the Israelites. Again and again they disobeyed God, forgot about everything he had done for them and the wonderful promises he had in store for them. But God, being the awesome one He is, reached out his hand to deliver them every time they called on his name. I'm telling you, never lose sight of the power God has. I'm still trying to find peace but I know that the peace I'm searching for can only be found in the Almighty One. That's where you can find peace too. It's not an easy process but with prayer and commitment along with God's love and guidance you sure will make it.

I just want everyone to know that whatever you're going through, this is not the end. Please stay strong and firm. If you need to talk find someone or even talk to me. I'll pray with you and for you. Thank you for reading x