Words of Affirmation: A Problematic Love Language

We all love to hear compliments and receive praise every so often. It’s that little reminder or small push that we are doing something well or that we are appreciated by those around us.

For many though (including myself), these spoken gestures are a whole love language.

There are 5 different love languages. Love languages are the way an individual shows love and receives love. The 5 different love languages are:

Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Gifts

Fun fact the above is actually the order of how I express and like to receive love. It’s important to know not only your own love language but also the love languages of those around you so that you can correctly express and communicate in relationships (spouse, partner, parental, friendships etc.)  love and appreciation.

In today’s blog post I will specifically be focusing on ‘Words of Affirmation’. Simply put words of affirmation is the act of “Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise or appreciation.” (It doesn’t have to be verbal. Can be written for example in a card). For many this is their primary love language. On the face of things it actually isn’t a bad thing as mentioned before, many of us appreciate words of affirmation. However, I would like to propose the idea that it can become problematic for various reasons with different individuals.

Reasons being:

Words of Affirmation can become a “necessity” for someone’s confidence/ego
Individuals may easily fall for words with no critical thinking involved
If someone isn’t aware of their love language or isn’t strong in themselves they can settle in a relationship where the other person isn’t able to communicate in a way that is desired

Words of Affirmation can become a “necessity” for someone’s confidence/ego

I initially stated that Words of Affirmation can be problematic with different individuals. For me, this is the biggest reason. Individuals who lack surety and confidence in themselves and who they are, what they are, their purpose - look for others to tell them. They require that validation. They feel a “need” to hear something positive about themselves otherwise it can’t be the reality.

On the opposite side of the scale, if something negative is said or even if criticism is given, this, again depending on the individual, can be taken to heart. This then becomes internalised and can be projected as a reality. 

Individuals may easily fall for words with no critical thinking involved

On this journey of life we all hear and learn the phrase “actions speak louder than words.” Words are sweet to the ear. When said or written the right way (and from the right person) they can cause you to feel butterflies or feel that high. Then just like that, things just don’t seem to add up. Someone is saying one thing in your ear but they’re not providing evidence. They’re not backing up their words with their actions. This is where it can become draining. I’ve been in many situations where I’m left puzzled because someone has been saying the sweetest things but they aren’t showing it. In my heart I know I need to question it and most likely leave the situation. 

The issue is because the words are sweet like mango, you end up craving them more and many don’t leave. This is when you set a trap for yourself to get hurt because you start making excuses for why a person is living up to said expectations. Why they’re not acting in accordance to their words. 

Settling in a relationship where the other person isn’t able to communicate in a way that is desired

I am VERY big on communication. In any and everything. From job, to friends; the works. I like to know details, hear voices, listen, understand, empathise so that I can fully put my all into it. Make the correct moves and be intentional. I also desire this to be reciprocated. Apply pressure! However, before I even got to a place where I understood more about myself and what I want, I was settling. I was creating bonds and so on with people who didn’t apply that pressure. Who rarely ever reciprocated the energy I gave. I was speaking to a friend the other day and he really expressed such emotions especially within his friendship circle. 

It does reach a point where you feel upset and tired because it’s this palava of balancing out not expecting anything or feeling entitled to anything/anyone but also wanting to know that your efforts are being appreciated. Hearing it so that you can feel it. 

All in all, the three problems intertwine but there are ways to getting past them and have positive experiences and relationships without them altering your identity, blocking you from seting healthy boundaries and preventing you from developing codependent traits and relationships.

Tips & Tricks -

Create your own affirmations. Have words that you say to yourself. Out loud, in your head, wherever and whenever. Reminders not just about looks but your achievements, the essence of your being, your personality
Reconnect with yourself. Develop yourself as an individual. Find who you are. Your own interests. Areas to develop and grow. Once you know yourself, nobody can knock off your crown.
Think about the reasons why you do things. Is it coming from a place of integrity or an egotistical desire to receive praise?
Discover your love language. Know how you best receive love and express love
Be mindful of the love languages of those around you. Know how they receive love and express love. Make your desires known but also appreciate that it  can be a learning curve for people and know that you just aren’t compatible with everyone.
Set boundaries and learn to question behavioural patterns. Especially if the behaviours and words aren’t adding up